Go Talk to 100 Women

Do you want to be successful?

According to my humble experience, there are two ways one can gain success in career.

First, be good at strategy instead of tactic. It's good if you can draw, count, or talk, but you will gain much more if you are able to put purpose and result as context on those skills.

Second, be good at communication. This is the subject that I'd like to elaborate on this writing.

The key of excellent communication lies on confidence and attractiveness. As simple as it may sound, these characteristics are very hard to achieve by those who are simply not born with it (I overstretched this statement a little bit, both nurture and nature have significant influence in shaping this 'natural talent'). Some people are so good, they can deliver eloquent presentation without the tiniest bit of preparation. Others who are not so lucky can spend one year preparing only to crash and burn when the occasion arrives.

I wouldn't have to ramble on to prove the importance of communication as leverage for one's career. What the reader should understand is, whether it is an important presentation in front of high management or a simple remarks on a brainstorming session, communication can only be successful if it connects the speaker and the target. And in order to establish connection, one must posses confidence first to initiate contact then attractiveness to retain the target attention. Just to be clear on this, what I meant by attractiveness is not as simple as physical attractiveness. It might be best defined as certain persona that basically attract other people in whatever means necessary.

Learning these two traits, confidence and attractiveness, can be a little bit tricky since it is not skill that one can simply practice in order to be good. Confidence is rooted on one's thought, attitude and action. It begin with one's thought about oneself and how others see him/her. Then it proceed toward one's attitude/feeling. Lastly, these thoughts and attitude will seep through action. If the action is met by positive reinforcement (appreciated, admired, etc), the thoughts and attitude behind it will be reinforced over and over again.

With this understanding in mind, how, then, can one increase one's confidence?

Well, first route, one can change his thoughts and feelings. This, however, are easier said (or written) than done.

The more radical route, and only the bold or desperate will try this, is to change your action.

Albert Ellis once try this method. To overcome his anxiety, he force himself to talk to 100 women. Asking them for a date. In the end, Ellis didn't get a date at all, but his anxiety is largely reduced while his confidence soar.

This is largely thanks to cognitive consonance mechanism every individual has on their brain. We have a very basic tendency to align our thought, feeling, and action. Whenever there's disparity on these three aspects, one will feel very uncomfortable. The most beautiful thing is, it is easier for thought and feeling to realign with action that it is for action to realign with thought and feeling. So when one start to act confidence, one will feel very uncomfortable at first but then one's thought and feeling will realign themselves to suit the action. That's why Ellis method is so successful.

So if you are having trouble with communication due to severe lack of confidence, this is what you should do: go talk with 100 women stranger (or men, if you're a woman, but there's no evidence it will work as good). Don't be afraid, you've got nothing to lose except your lack of confidence.

That's all about the shortcut to manifest confidence. Attractiveness, will be the subject for another time.

Good luck, gentlemen.